Inside Voice! Say It Loud, Say it Proud!

A collection of inside voice quotes about tech support.

Dude, it’s 4pm on a Tuesday and you are calling me shitfaced. I think no internet is the least of your troubles.

Tech support is not unlike kindergarden. One must deal with tears and tantrums. And give time outs.

Fridays are always very difficult days in my dept. The customers are super angry and super un co-operative so every call is like a hostage negotiation except if all else fails, you can’t SHOOT the customer!

I don’t KNOW why shit happens people.
Customer: ‎But I’ve never had a problem like this before.
Inside voice: Yeah, and if you’re speeding down the highway, and you get a flat tire, do YOU sit there by the side of the road repeating “Damn, this has never happened to me before” over and over again for the next 30 minutes?

Never complain to tech support. We are fixers. We don’t give a shit about your problems or your feelings. it’s not that we don’t care, oh wait, we don’t, it’s just that we are hard wired to fix things and move on to the next thing that needs fixing. If you need a shoulder to cry on about your email, I suggest you get a puppy.

Had workplace safety training this week. Topics covered were:
– walking. Apparently walking = okay. Walking + texting = bad.
– standing in front of doors
– opening doors
– getting on the elevator
– chairs shall be 5 legged with wheels and we are to NEVER sit on a 4 legged chair with wheels. Wheeless 4 legged chairs are fine but only visitors can sit on a four legged wheeled chair. I don’t know why. Either I fell asleep during that part of the training or it was never mentioned.

If you are going to call to complain at least give a reason for complaining. Just saying “everyone is an idiot” over and over again does not help me fix the issue. If anything, you just called ME and idiot. Yeah I may be an idiot but at least I know not to call internet when I have a problem with my home phone.

It’s weird when 70 something grandmother’s drop F bombs on ya!

Another agent’s notes:
Describe the problem: All her emails gone. She dont have anymore her emails, in the inbox, she dont have any outlook or windows emails set up, she loose all her emails , like by magic.

Not a trick question. Selecting “option 1, technical support” will get you technical support. Selecting “option 2, cancelation” will get you to, wait for it, the cancelation department. If you need technical support assistance to press the #2 key, you should just move away to a log cabin in the woods and give up completely on technology.

If you are losing millions of dollars a day because your residential internet is down, maybe, just maybe, you should spring for a business internet connection. When told by a customer that he was losing millions of dollars a day, I started chanting “Liar liar, pants on fire” in my head!

If you don’t know how to use a computer and your spouse knows how to use a computer, then why are YOU CALLING?

Me: Do you see the field prompting your to type in your PIN?
Idiot customer: Yes.
Me: Okay so your PIN is 123456.
Idiot customer: So you want me to type it in.
Me (inside voice): No you fucktard, sing it into your mouse like you are on American freakin’ Idol.
Me: (real voice): yes please type it in.

Me: Do you have a bill sir?
Customer: You mean a [name of competitor] bill?
Me: Do you have internet with us?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Then I need you to look up something on our bill.

Not only do I help people with their internet connections, I also get the opportunity to teach them how to raise their children. If you kids keep unplugging the modem for no reason, it’s going to affect your connection. If you tell your kids to stop unplugging the modem yet they continue to unplug the modem, TAKE THE MODEM AWAY FOR TWO DAYS! I will guarantee they will stop screwing around with the modem.

Today a customer gave an agent a hard time because we could not offer support in Swahili.

According to the agent in Costa Rica, “It’s only -7C outside” does not qualify as “nice outside.”

If theoretically you could be awake and observing your open heart surgery, and you are NOT a surgeon or a medical professional in any way, would you tell Dr Heart Surgeon Providing you With the Lifesaving Operation how to do his/her job?

Tech support does not mean “life coach.” Oh and trust me, you DON’T want me as a life coach.

Me: thank your for calling blah blah blah…
Customer: May I have a representative?
Inside Voice – What the hell am I?

Work is often like a comic opera. But without the singing. In the comic opera that is my job, somehow one of the fridges at work got locked. My Diet Coke was in there cooling. It’s been over a day and nobody has come to unlock said fridge. Probably cause nobody knows the location of the damn key.

Well crazy people put on your metal collanders and tinfoil hats, I am off to work.

“No,” is not an invitation to negotiate your tech support. The department is called Tech Support not Tech Debate.

Crazy customer: Why did you send this modem?
Me: You seem to be having prob_____
Crazy customer: The modem I have always shuts off. [Customer rants for 3 mins]
Me: I can help you set up_____
Crazy customer: I cannot have wifi, you sent me a wifi modem. I want to return it.
Me: Is your current modem work_____
Crazy customer: I send the modem back.
Me: Did u get_____
Crazy customer: Nobody there speaks english.

Apparently, a 9.5 year old standard poodle does not qualify for “Take Your Daughter to Work Day.” Don’t worry sweetie, this so called ‘rule’ is just because the other daughters would be jealous of your awesomeness.

Today at work, we raised money for diabetes research, by selling fudge. Yeah. Exactly.

Note! “Open another Internet Explorer” is NOT a trick question.

OMFG Mrs customer, you just have to click a button twice. Stop making me repeat ‘click run’ twenty five times. Just click it. We are not difusing a freakin’ bomb!

Me: Unfortunately Mrs. Customer, if you type an R and an E appears on the screen, we really need to address THAT, before we figure out what is wrong with your security software.
Note: there was nothing wrong with the security software.

Only had two customers this am and both of them took 8 minutes to verify. Really is it so hard to have a bill in front of you. Does the bill weight like 125lbs and you can’t lift it?

When it comes to viruses and spyware, it’s best to clean the computer first and then install a security suite, otherwise you’re just putting on a condom AFTER you’ve knocked up the girl!

Me: Do you have the bill in front of you?
Customer: Yes.
Me: I will need your User ID number, it’s on the internet section of the bill, on page 1.
Customer: What is this number?
Me: It’s your user ID number. We ask it to validate the account for your security.
It’s on page 1 of the bill.
Customer: I don’t have my bill.

House is right, everybody lies. At least he can perform painful procedures with needles on them.

Wireless in French is sans fils. Girl in French is fille.
Account notes: customer wanted to set up his computer sans fille. Good plan, girls have cooties.

After almost 2 year of suggestions, the phone number list at work is finally in alphabetical order.

Me: This seems to be a computer problem.
Customer: Okay.
Me: It looks like the last agent also wrote it was a computer problem. Did he tell you this?
Me: Did he tell you to contact the computer manufacturer?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Did you contact the computer manufacturer?
Customer: No.
Me: Okay. Would you like the phone number?
Customer: No. [click]

Dear Fraudster sending the customer email. If you are the Director of the F.B.I, I might be more inclined to believe you if you did not have a email address!

I am starting to think that we are taking more than a few steps back when it comes oral communications.I am talkin’ english as first language people. I am not asking them to explain E=mc2, or calculate the gross national product, I am asking if they see a picture of an envelope in the upper right hand corner of their screen. The problem is they are looking at the lower left corner of the screen.

Agent: I can reset your password but it will have to have a capital letter.
Customer: I don’t want a capital letter.
Agent: Unfortunately the password requires a capital letter.
Customer: I want to speak to your supervisor.

Another day of spending 5 minutes explaining “unplug from the electricity” to people. C’mon electricity in homes has been around for like 100 years. You would think you’d figured it out by now. Stop making me speak to you like Tarzan, “Unplug. Make electricity go away.”

Sometimes at work, you just want to go to the washroom for a nice relaxing pee. It’s hard enough when the person in the stall next to you is yammering away on their cell phone but really, is it necessary to have the damn phone on speaker phone?

Me: May I have your User ID #
Customer: Yes. It’s B.
Me: Is that B as in Bob?
Customer: Yes. F
Me: Sorry all these letters sound the same over the phone. Is that F as it Frank or S as in Sam?
Customer; It’s S.
Me: As in Sam?
Customer (agitated): No. F as in F.
Me: F as in Frank?
Customer: F as in Frank. And then S.
Me: S as in Sierra.
Customer: S as in S.

I almost saved a ticket at work with this in the notes “Customer is aware of modem upgrade pee.”

I know it’s hard to believe that people have been, for centuries, paying bills and drinking coffee in coffee shops without the use of the internet.

Yes sir, you do need to turn on the computer to install software.

I really must stop calling customers retarded. Cause I spoke someone with an intellectual disability today and I have to say it was the most pleasant call I’ve had all day.

If I say unplug your toaster – people get it. When I say unplug your modem, people can’t get it. It’s the same thing. Of course if I say “unplug your modem as if you were unplugging a toaster,” probably 10% of my customers would go an unplug their toaster.

2 thoughts on “Inside Voice! Say It Loud, Say it Proud!

  1. How about if you are losing millions of dollars a day because your DSL internet is down, maybe invest in cable internet as a backup…If you’re making millions a day, surely you can afford a second internet connection!!

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