The last few weeks have made me start to think about stuff. Some stuff in my life is working and some stuff in my life is definitely not working.
So maybe it’s time for a change.
I’ll try not to sound ranty but alas, the way things have gone in the last few weeks, I will most likely fail.
If you think I am going to get into trouble for some of my thoughts, you are so wrong. This being a blog and not, say, a deposition under oath, I can pretty much say what I want because creative writing often is embellished.
This post may just be a jumbled mess of rambling but the big scary truth is that most people don’t read this blog or much of anything I write. I know I should not equate lack of interest with you have no talent but it’s really really hard. It’s really really hard when people go out of their way to change the subject when I talk about my books or out and out lie about reading something they clearly did not read.
I know, I should write for me, not others but being a human being and not a robot, I am sometimes infected with feelings. Sometimes my feelings are hurt.
I haven’t been writing as much as I like because I have fallen into the malaise of why bother. This is just some of the stuff in my life I have to figure out. It’s going to painful and confusing but maybe it will get me writing again because I still think I have something to say even if it includes the occasional fart and poop joke.
I have a job that I used to like but now I don’t like it so much. I realized a few weeks ago I am going through my day with my fists clenched. No I’m not going to punch anyone, the fist clenching is mostly a metaphor. I spend the bulk of my day at work trying to anticipate the unreasonable scrutiny rather than just doing my work.
Work is pretty miserable because I have no control over my success or failure. I can do a great job but I am at the mercy of someone else’s standards or whims. I’ll give you a wildly exaggerated example of how this flawed system works.
Imagine you sit in the cubicle next to Dave. Dave is unreliable and a drunk. Boss tells Dave to complete Project X by Tuesday at 4pm. Dave does not do this. You have nothing to do with Project X. The performance reviewer tells you that you suck at your job and the fact that Dave did not complete Project X is entirely YOUR FAULT because just by bad luck you happen to sit next to Dave. Sorry no raise or promotion for you. Oh and lets micromanage your work because if you could not anticipate Dave was going to fuck up the project that you are not involved in, what other things are you keeping from us?
This is work environment is making me walk around with clenched fists. Always trying to anticipate the whims rather than actually working. It’s exhausting I tell ya.
New Work Rule! We are not allowed to speak to the employees on the floor unless it’s work related. This nonsense is pretty much impossible to enforce and oh so much fun to mock. Are people lurking around just waiting for us to make a mistake so we can be reported? Are there hidden microphones everywhere? And how the hell does one determine what is work related? So many questions! If someone says hi, is that work related? Technically it has nothing to do with bathrooms, kitchens or trash collection. Naturally if someone greets me in the hallway and I scurry away like the lowest of the lowest grand manor scullery maid, that’s gonna send out some pretty weird signals. I guess replying hi is okay. I suppose saying I am not allowed to talk to you is work related then the conversation is not a violation of the rules. Oh my god my head hurts with all this legal thinking. No wonder some lawyers drink.
The horrible ugly truth is that this is mostly my fault. I keep putting myself in a position where I have no control and am at the mercy of micromanaging. I have to pay the bills and not be homeless so one has to make choices even if the results lead to a misery less miserable than being homeless.
I think the writing is on the wall and it’s time for a change. Perhaps wisdom is kicking in to my 50 something year old brain and I’ve decided I’ve had enough of this nonsense. That being said I have absolutely no plan on how to fix this problem. The only plan I have is that I need to do something that brings value to my life and my success should be based on my abilities and hard work and not be determined by luck, unclear expectations and cubicle neighbour Dave.